These five phrases appear to be nice, but really are not. They can be passive aggressive and should be avoided—face-to-face and online.
These terms are usually used as a get-out-of-jail-free card following a mean comment. If you feel the urge to mitigate a mean comment using one of these phrases, that may be a signal the statement itself could have been left unsaid or said in a more positive way. You have the luxury of reviewing and removing the offending words before you send an email, but in face-to-face conversation you can’t take them back. You can only apologize, rephrase, and hope to do better next time.
- Just Kidding – Here, I’ll hark back to my late mother’s many-a-truth-is-told-in-jest wisdom. Much like the bless-your-heart phrase, this one attempts to soften a harsh comment that probably portrays how you really feel. The need to say “just kidding” doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t express those feelings; rather, it can serve as a reminder to figure out how to say it in a less mean way. .
- Can’t you take a joke!?? This is the caustic cousin of Just Kidding. It’s the comment used by someone who has been called out on their nasty comment. It usually happens more in face-to-face communication than online. I love the witty comeback that a friend made to such an offender. With a knowing smile, she replied, “I love jokes, but only the funny ones.”
. - To be honest – When you preface a comment with this phrase, it loudly screams the obvious question: “Was everything you said previously NOT honest?!!”
. - I don’t mean any disrespect – You’ve probably noticed that anytime someone starts a sentence with that phrase you are already bracing yourself for the disrespectful comment that will likely follow. While intentions may be good—or not—this phrase unfortunately sets a tone of tension and defensiveness.
. - Actually – Imagine someone saying to you at the end of your meeting: “You are actually quite knowledgeable!” What was this person thinking about you before the meeting? The word “actually” implies that the experience departed drastically from the original expectation. It seems oh-so-subtle and harmless—and even tries to pass as a compliment. This “micro-aggression” leaves a negative impression. Worse, it leaves you wondering why the person had such a low opinion of you in the first place.
By the way, the word actually does have positive uses. However, in both examples below, the comment would also work without it.
It can be used to sincerely express being pleasantly surprised about an experience. “The movie was actually entertaining; I was surprised because the critics gave it such poor reviews.”
It can also be used to clarify a situation: “Actually, my graphic designer gets all the credit for my fancy marketing materials.”
[This blog is an excerpt from Sarita’s forthcoming book Say What You Mean in a Nice Way due out in Fall 2020.]
NOTE: Sarita’s first book If You Can’t Say Something Nice, What DO You Say? is still available in paperback, Kindle and Audible Audiobook on Amazon.com.
Sarita Maybin is a keynote speaker at IPMA’s 2022 Educational Conference. She will present “Say What You Mean in a Nice Way: Communicating with Kindness and Compassion.”
Sarita Maybin is an international speaker and communication expert whose audiences have fun learning how to stay positive, confront tough communication challenges and work together better! Sarita is a former university dean of students, a past chapter president of the National Speakers Association and a TEDx speaker. She has been interviewed by the media about her book If You Can’t Say Something Nice, What DO You Say?